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Woody Allen my favorite writer once had this joke in one of his movies. Something along the line of one person asking if he considers sex to be a dirty act and he responds with, “only if it’s done right’. I often take a joke from another movie and tell people that DC is like high school and prison, the sex you want you aint getting the sex you’re getting you don’t want. Honestly there are some fucking bat shit crazy chicks out here that seem to be attracted to me.

So I’m in bed with this chick on a Sunday afternoon. You can imagine the drunken shenanigans that happened the night before. Now dead sober ready for another round, I give her the international sign for sex and poke her butt with my boner. She responds and I start kissing the back of her neck. Things start to escalate when all of a sudden she says, “we’re not having sex”. I’m like, ok, roll my eye get up and start putting on my pants. She asks me what am I doing and I let her know that I’m leaving. She responds with, “wow, you’re not really persistent”

I lay back in bed with a whole, what am I doing here feeling. Ten minutes later she starts with the whole ass push back thing. So I push forward, get on top as she lays on her stomach. She starts moaning and all physical signs point to yes. I have time to throw on my extra small magnums and I barely insert the tip when she says, no. I start to pull away when she thrust back into it. I’m so confused because I could have sworn she said no. She moans again and then follows it with no. But again she’s doing more work than I am. This continues and that’s when it hits me that I’m the unwilling participant of some weird rape fantasy. The whole time it’s no and stop with light fake sobbing but she’s the one grabbing onto my wrists while I’m balancing myself on the bed behind her. I want to stop but I think to myself that half fake raping someone before the get off is kind of rude, right? My mind starts to wonder as it often does during sex.

“How the fuck do I end up with these crazy chicks. What is it about me? How fucked up in the head is this girl. What happened to her in past that she gets turned on by this kind of sex? Why me, do I have a, He’d make a good rapist face? Maybe I should reevaluate my life and my friends. Should I say something like, shut up bitch or would that be too much? Should I hit her to make this authentic? This isn’t how I thought things like this go down. Usually you answer a craigslist add, meet her in a coffee shop where she gives you a list of rules including a safe word, mango. Then she’d leave her door unlocked on a specific night and take a shower at a specific time. That’s when you come in with women’s pantyhose on your head and a butter knife. Then you get to say shut up bitch! OR SO I’VE BEEN TOLD”

I realize that I’m getting soft and maybe I should finish because I’m sure the neighbors aren’t in on her rape fantasy. I don’t want it to end because I’m scared of what will happen once it’s over. I’ve decided that if she starts crying and the words, “how could you” come out of her mouth. I ‘m going to just take off running, buck naked with my long dong bouncing around. Old ladies getting out of church will see this naked black guy just trucking down the streets yelling, “I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL!!! I’M NOT GOING BACK!!!!”

So I release the doves and fall over. I’m not sure if I’m still in character, should I tell her that if she tells anyone about this I’ll kill her dog? Does she have a dog? That’s when she starts asking me about my job and what I do. She then tells me about her family in NY her younger brothers, working on the hill. I guess this is post rape bonding or something. She offers me water and a towel. We have a 30 minute conversation about crap. I’m a little disappointed because I thought that what we just shared was special. I also wanted to ask her about my rape performance, was I convincing? Then I tell her I have to go return some video tapes and bounce.

I’m looking forward to Monday when Steve from accounts receivables tells me about he weekend with his wife and shopping at Home Depot then he asks me how my weekend went so I can say,

“It was a blast, I raped a girl on Sunday and I’m probably facing ten to life. But believe me when I say this Steve, she was really really asking for it”

As much as I was freaked out by the whole thing… it was kinda hot. I’m just upset I didn’t really get into my character. Now I’m facing the weird do I call or not situation. I mean should I send her a dozen roses with a card that says thanks for letting me fantasy rape you? Do I take her out to dinner. Should we go to a support group meeting together?

Her: Hi, I’m jenny and I’m a victim of rape
Me: Hi, I’m VK, I’m the guy that raped her. So do we get snacks now or after because I’m fucking starving

Welcome to “dating” in DC folks. Believe it or not this is the second weirdest hookup I’ve had. The other involved flying down to Western Kentucky and having to choke a chick. But rest now, I’ll tell that story some other time.